Em-Slice

According to World Public Opinion.org, Americans support an increase in taxes to support developing nations, but only if other countries are doing their part. It turns out that most Americans believe that as a country we do more than other developed nations. However, the fact is that the United States has one of the lowest rates of giving per GNP (gross domestic product). This assumption coupled with the stipulation that other countries need to contribute just as much, provides another way to justify that the United States is the stand alone savior that sounds somewhat like an off base martyrdom.

The fact that America consumes a huge amount of the earth’s natural resources and has one of the largest GNPs should be enough to encourage spending on those countries less developed. However, we spend even less while believe we spend the most. Perhaps some American’s are including the money being spent on the Iraq war. But we all know that isn’t really going toward sustainable development. Unfortunately, the US government seems preoccupied with other things besides meeting the Millennium Development Goals set by the UN.

Since I returned from two months of silent meditation, several things have been screaming for integration. With each day something else falls into place. Integration comes in several different stages and can be frustrating from a personal standpoint. Especially since my worldview changed radically while on retreat. However, it is not something I can force or control. It is more of a process that tends to congeal gradually like Jell-O. At first it was very overwhelming and there were times where I felt completely lost in this vast world. It was like I knew too much to live in a world that still contains massive amounts of ignorance.

When I look around, I admire the ones that take a stand for the truth of whom we are. It is not an easy task and cannot be done from a place of anger. Those of us who are deeply invested in serving the world will be of most service if the anger is seen, felt, heard, and released. Causes no matter how great, when fueled by anger only create more separation and suffering. The more we realize the parts of ourselves that are angry, the less power those parts of us have and the less they can sabotage our work/lives. I realized while on retreat that there are many layers to anger. It is an explosive energy that needs out of the body. Sometimes I would cry from the pain underneath, sometimes I would hike, and sometimes I would dance. The more I acknowledged, felt, and released then freer I became. This can be true for any emotion. The trick is to know we can hold them.

The world is full of sleeping
children
Dreaming dreams of untruth
Caught in a nightmare that
will not end

There is another dream
Where those children are infinity

Trust me when I tell you

Unworthiness, Fear, Greed, Hatred
those aren’t your nature

Rebel little ones. Choose not to trust those
thoughts

Dare to DREAM another dream

Em-Slice

When I moved to Boulder three years ago, I had no idea what was in store for me. Over those years, I have grown so incredibly much in many different areas. One of these is in the area of relationships. I have never had the depth in relationships that I have created with certain people over the past few years. In the past, I held myself unworthy and never thought that anyone could/would be able to hold the depth that I so longingly craved. There was a part of me that was not ready to really put myself out there and to find my own voice. It has been a roller coaster and I am still not where I want to be. However, my nights of crying in the bathtub scared of meeting people of like mind are over. While I still have bouts of anxiety, I have pushed my boundaries enough that hopefully it won’t be as hard next time.

An important thing that I have learned is how much I value my relationships with my girlfriends. There is a power with women getting together and talking about life. There is also a sense of belonging and a sacredness that cannot be created without the presence of women. The intimate relationships created between lovers are different. They are special, intimate, and beautiful. However, the spark is for different reasons and the understanding is on a different level. I am honored to have such powerful independent women as friends and for them I am grateful.

I have five more weeks of stability. I mean the stability that comes from a dependable income, friends, and schedule. This could always go up in flames at any minute and is partly just a false sense of security. Nonetheless, it creates the illusion quite nicely and complements my present lifestyle. I would not have been able to focus on my spritual growth, which caused a lot of instablilty, so intensely these last few years without it.

However, I am now approaching another crossroads of life. The last one was during my senior year of college. I decided that after my graduation, I would move to Colorado. I had no idea what I would do, how I would make money, or even what I wanted. I just knew I wanted to move somewhere I had never been before.

Once again, it is coming time to make changes. This time; however, feels more like an intersection with four stops. I have no idea which way I will go. This uncertainty has been hard and exciting. The possibilities are endless and cause my options to change quite frequently. I am truly looking forward to learning what I will be doing and being open to the growth that will come. Also, I have gained a deeper understanding that nothing is in my control. It also seems as if creating this space for change opens doors to the human potential and a deeper appreciation for life.

I fill up with beautiful sorrow
The beating of heart
Comforting the lives
Of the amazing human

Living the only thing one has
In the only home for this life
Going to the places where many dare not to go
Behind the depths of the mind

The fear goes away
As the mind eases
The self fades
All is there

Em-Slice

It doesn’t take much for me to remember the days I have spent trying to come up with ways to save the world. I have gone through countless scenarios and endless professions in my mind. It didn’t take me long to realize that I would need help, but that was ok because I started to find people that were interested in saving the world too. All of us together could save the world. I just had to be willing, patient, and determined.

I am not sure what had me awaken to the idea that the world was not going to be saved. As consciousness evolves, as I have faith it will, humanity will evolve and with that will come a new structure. The whole infrastructure of the world must change. I am not sure what this will look like and I feel that people will make one small change at a time. These changes will be in the structures that undermine the systems that can enhance or destroy human development.

I have been going to acupuncture twice a week for the past three weeks. Each appointment, I tend to forget until last minute. I keep going because I keep having intense experiences. These experiences are also the reason that I don’t want to go back.

I have always accepted that western medicine may not have all the answers. It seems to consist completely of science. The love of blood tests, x-rays, and pain killers are just too much for me and since those didn’t have the answers, I turned to Chinese medicine.

I didn’t know what to expect. I had been to a chiropractor kinesiologist, massage therapist, and had even tried some energy healing; however, this was different. Perhaps it was the needles that made me so uncomfortable, not to mention the places they were going. The treatment is invasive, but highly effective when it comes to moving energy. I immediately felt electrical surges running through by body. I also, could tell which points were going to hurt before, the needled was inserted. My rational mind has a hard time understanding how this could help, but intuitively I know something must be happening. I feel like my body is this huge electric server and it gets all jammed up.

I have always been one to go after what I want. If I decide I would like to try something new, no matter how challenging, I will do it. It might take me a little while to prepare, but I can jump right in. Sometimes, I will need to ease into something big. Take meditation for instance, I started with a daily practice over 3 1⁄2 years ago and then went on weekend retreats. Once I felt like I needed more, I went on weeklong retreats. Now I am signed up for a two-month retreat. I am now jumping in and even though I may be in over my head for while, I trust that I can handle it.

My problem is trying to figure out what I want. There are so many interesting things and so many choices. I get overwhelmed and can spend way too much time going between ideas and possibilities. This can be my game for not having to take that chance, for not having to have that first time of something new. Traveling into the unknown is often painful for my ego. The first day of school, the first dance lesson, the first day off work. The list can go on and on. I also am in love with life. I love that I can do anything. I have to realize that there isn’t enough time to do everything. I need to narrow it down.

Then of course come the principles of commitment and dedication. I get over my anxiety and will try something new. It is continuing that I have a hard time with. The actual follow through seems to be beyond my grasp. I have no problem with starting and stopping. I allow my feelings to dictate and sooner or later I won’t feel like it. Perhaps this is the way it goes and eventually something will stick. We will see as I start this new blog.